All I have ever wanted is to be treated normal.
I do everything in my power to appear normal. I wear a wig. I fill in my sparse eyebrows. I hide my emotions. I cover the scars from my PICC lines. I even sometimes cover up the vein on my chest that still pops out from when I had the mass. I don't tell classmates or acquaintances what has happened to me. I attend all of my classes as a full time student. I am working hard to catch up and finish my 80 placement hours before I graduate. I got back into my job. I give off an illusion that every thing is fine--everything is back to normal. I am busting my ass and spreading my self thin. But maybe I am not ready.
I have found out that this can be extremely dangerous to my mental health. Giving off this fallacy that I am fine has actually made me hurt more than I could imagine. I am more sensitive than I ever pictured myself being. Things that never would have even phased me before bother me tremendously. If a friend is rude or unsympathetic, I say nothing. I act as I would have acted before--unaffected. But in reality, this triggers and emotional explosion inside of me that winds me down into a dark place that is hard to get out of.
I have so much stress in my life. I am so sick of being stressed. I have a PET scan coming up on Thursday, a rigorous course load in school, and the last thing I ever thought I would have to deal with is wishing I had someone to support me through it all.
I do have people that continue to help me, and they know who they are, but I guess I just thought by this age I would have more friends that I could rely on, especially after all of this.
I may appear to be fine, but I'm not. I am still emotionally and physically traumatized from what I have gone through in the past 6 months. Traumatized is an understatement.
All I want is for someone to tell me they are proud of me.
I can't tell you how much that would mean to me.
For someone to just tell me they care.
To be there for me all the time, not just when I ask for help.
I want to be fine. I want to be normal. But in reality, I'm just not.