rThe things I would do to just be normal again.
When you are diagnosed with cancer, you start think about all of things that will no longer be normal.
1. I will most likely lose my hair. Walking to class lately, I am brought to tears just feeling the wind blow through my hair. I am terrified of what people will think when I walk by and I don't have hair or am wearing a wig. I think about the itchy, uncomfortableness of wig. I feel how light and natural my hair feels on my head right now. I don't hate how my hair looks when I wake up anymore, even if it looks like a complete birds nest. I am just lucky to have it as long as I will.
2. I won't have a normal birthday. I turn 21 in exactly a month, and you don't need a doctor to tell you getting hammered while undergoing chemotherapy is probably not a good idea. I know my health is more important, but why should I even have to go through this? Why can't I celebrate my birthday normally. It's a day I'll never get back. A day that cancer is taking away from me. It makes me want to fight back harder.
3. Going to class/placement will have to be adjusted. Common side effects while undergoing treatment include extreme fatigue, nausea, and vomiting among others. If I was stressed out about classes before, try adding these wonderful side effects on top of it. Not to mention, through the education program, there is a 40 hour per semester requirement for placement hours in an elementary school. On top of these side effects of treatment, being around illness prone first grade children is not a good idea for someone with a suppressed immune system. Not to mention- how do you explain to a class of first graders what caner is or why you are bald?
Sometimes I can't even stand to hear the conversations around me. People talk about their problems, but they aren't real problems. They say how stressed out they are. But I'm just as stressed while fighting for my life on top of it. This isn't a game of who's problems are worse than who's, but rather envy on my part of why I can't also have these stupid, normal problems. The other day I was sick to my stomach in one of my classes listening to the girl behind me stress out about how she was going to make it through Halloweek because she as going to be "naughty and drunk" the whole time and wouldn't have time to finish homework. Seriously.