All I have ever wanted is to be treated normal.
I do everything in my power to appear normal. I wear a wig. I fill in my sparse eyebrows. I hide my emotions. I cover the scars from my PICC lines. I even sometimes cover up the vein on my chest that still pops out from when I had the mass. I don't tell classmates or acquaintances what has happened to me. I attend all of my classes as a full time student. I am working hard to catch up and finish my 80 placement hours before I graduate. I got back into my job. I give off an illusion that every thing is fine--everything is back to normal. I am busting my ass and spreading my self thin. But maybe I am not ready. I have found out that this can be extremely dangerous to my mental health. Giving off this fallacy that I am fine has actually made me hurt more than I could imagine. I am more sensitive than I ever pictured myself being. Things that never would have even phased me before bother me tremendously. If a friend is rude or unsympathetic, I say nothing. I act as I would have acted before--unaffected. But in reality, this triggers and emotional explosion inside of me that winds me down into a dark place that is hard to get out of. I have so much stress in my life. I am so sick of being stressed. I have a PET scan coming up on Thursday, a rigorous course load in school, and the last thing I ever thought I would have to deal with is wishing I had someone to support me through it all. I do have people that continue to help me, and they know who they are, but I guess I just thought by this age I would have more friends that I could rely on, especially after all of this. I may appear to be fine, but I'm not. I am still emotionally and physically traumatized from what I have gone through in the past 6 months. Traumatized is an understatement. All I want is for someone to tell me they are proud of me. I can't tell you how much that would mean to me. For someone to just tell me they care. To be there for me all the time, not just when I ask for help. I want to be fine. I want to be normal. But in reality, I'm just not.
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I would not say that I have ever been super religious. I was lucky to have parents that raised me with a strong religious foundation as a young child, but I was too young to really understand. After a while, life got busy and we started going less and less.
Despite this, I have always had a strong personal relationship with God. Through the hardest times of my life, I looked forward to going to bed so I could talk to Him and pray to Him. He was there for me during those times and truly got me through what felt like the longest days. A lot of people who face life's challenges often blame God. Whether it is a loss of a loved one, or a diagnosis of cancer, people tend to turn on God. They don't understand how He could possibly do such a thing. I never reacted that way. From the second I found out, I never turned on God; I never asked Him, "Why me?" I had a deep, spiritual feeling that this was put in my life not to kill me, but to help me. Sure, it is cliche, but I truly do think things happen for a reason. I knew that this was a part of my plan. I didn't blame God for it. Oddly enough, however, I didn't feel as connected to God throughout this experience. For the first time in my life, I couldn't pray to Him. It was like there was a wall or a block preventing me from communicating. I tried a few times, and words simply did not come out. I didn't know what to say, and I actually felt awkward. I always wondered why this was so. Why would I not be able to reach Him during the time you would think I need Him the most? But I could feel Him there with me throughout my journey nonetheless. Many times, I think about my life now compared to how it was before. Sure, I often dwell on and crave the normalcy that defined my life before my diagnosis, but is "normal" necessarily good? I feel as though now I enjoy my life so much more than before. I appreciate the small things in life. I look at a "normal" day as something spectacular, and think about how grateful I am for the days that I am not weak or in pain. I look forward to my future, knowing that I can take my experiences to help other people. What a whirlwind of emotions that I have felt in the past few days.
Since I was diagnosed, I just kept telling myself, "Just make it through these six treatments. You just have to make it until February. Then you're done." All this time, that last treatment was like a light at the end of the tunnel, or the finish line at the end of a marathon. Well, I've finally crossed it, and I'm far from okay. I have begun to realize just how hard this is going to be for me to deal with. Cancer isn't something you overcome or beat, it is something you continue to deal with in some way for the rest of your life. I can honestly say right now that I am just scared. I feel restricted, unable to fully live with this constantly hanging over my head. At this point, not only am I scared, I am angry. I miss the days when I was just healthy. I cannot get over how much I took this for granted. Why do we only realize how amazing we had it until we no longer do? I miss the days where I would go to the doctor and listen to them rave about how healthy I was. I would be in and out within minutes. Now, I have a huge box to check on every patient background form I fill out for the rest of my life. There is so much bullshit surrounding this situation that fills my thoughts and takes up my energy, and it drains me. So much that I shouldn't have to deal with at this age. For instance, I keep getting calls from an infertility doctor to go over my situation and look at my options. I shouldn't have to think about having a baby right now. It is just one thing after another. I really miss my hair. I find myself, every day, going through old pictures and just missing my hair. It sounds weird, but this is another thing to me that all of the sudden has turned from a given to a privilege. There are days that I don't want to wear my wig to class, but I don't want people to think differently of me. I don't want to deal with the extra stares, or the feeling of not belonging. I feel like I envy every person that passes me. Sure, I don't know what problems are going on in their life, but I wish I had them instead of my own. I look at friends laughing, and their carefree expression that I used to have. An expression that showed I looked forward to the future with hope instead of fear. I can only hope it will get better. WOW have I been slacking on blog posts!!! In the sixteen day breaks I get between treatments, I do everything in my power to really embrace those days. I don't want to think about my health or the hospital, I just want to focus on school and having fun. I think that is why I tend to forget about the blog.
Well anyway, here I am, back again on the good old 7th floor of C.S. Mott Children's Hospital. Except this time, it's different. THIS IS MY LAST CHEMOTHERAPY TREATMENT!!!!!! I cannot be happier. While I normally dread these hospital visits, I have not been able to wipe the smile off of my face. Everyone around me always says, "Wow, didn't that fly by?!" My response is always, "Maybe for you!" But in all seriousness, these past few months were the longest, closest to living hell experience I will ever have. But I am just 4.5 short days from being FREE! Although I am free from these treatments, this is something that will affect every day of my life forever. I will always have more to write about, so I plan to continue my blog for the days to come. Thank you for everyone who has been following...You make me feel so great :) What if I told you that nearly every medicine that I am prescribed actually causes other illnesses and side effects, which in turns requires more drugs. A lot of the medicine I receive, in fact, can lead to more cancers down the road.
Well isn't that a contradiction? Right in the definition of medicine you see "prevention," which is ironic since most drugs that I get actually "cause," the exact opposite of prevention. Let us take a look at some of my medications... 1. The biggest "medicine" that I receive is the chemotherapy. I am exposed to an enormous amount of radiation from the chemotherapy, which is known to possibly cause more cancer down the line. Not only do I receive radiation from the chemotherapy, the routine tests that I receive (x-rays, PET scans, CAT scans) all also emit radiation, which accumulates in my body. So we are treating an illness with something that could likely just increase the same illness's chance of coming back. Along with radiation from chemotherapy comes the side effects: nausea, fatigue, muscle soreness, low and low white blood cell counts, just to name a few. To counteract the nausea, I take a medication called Zophran. To counteract the low blood counts, I take daily shots called "Neupogen shots." However, these shots cause extreme bone pain, which I then have to take Claritan or Zyrtec. It's a never ending drug cluster fuck. 2. The next big medication I must take is prednisone. This is a steroid that I take while I am receiving treatment. This causes the worst side effects, which must be treated with more drugs. Side effects include anxiety, acid reflux, emotional mood swings, weight gain, insomnia, acne, dry skin, and nausea. I have MORE drugs to treat this whole slew of side effects. See where I am going? This makes me wonder.. what is the true intentions of the drug companies? Just like anything, it is a business. But if it is a business, it would only make sense that they need to keep us sick. They need to give us drugs that will cause more issues so we need more drugs. Are they on our side? Are they the good guys or the bad guys? Food for thought. Many college students, unless you are "the lucky ones," have experienced the stress and burden of student loans. Thousands of dollars of student loans, often times. It can feel impossible to become motivated, and if you think about it too much, you find yourself so overwhelmed that you can seriously drive yourself crazy.
I have felt the same way through my journey with cancer. Overwhelmed is an understatement when trying to describe how I felt when I found out. There is so much of the unknown just lingering out there--truths that I would soon come to know. All I could do is hope and keep moving forward. For us college students, there is also a world filled with the unknown that awaits us upon graduation. There is no guarantee of success. Instead of being afraid or unsure, think about how strong this makes us. Think about how brave we are to face this reality. In both cases, it is important to reflect on why you are in this unideal place. You don't have debt or an illness because you have failed. No one gets cancer because they have failed. In the case of student loans, you have debt because you decided to make something of yourself. You decided to educate yourself and open your eyes to new perspectives that you couldn't even dream about. And the same thing has happened for me--I didn't get to choose my situation, but I have grown so much nonetheless. As I have said before, sometimes I don't even recognize myself now compared to who I was before. You may say the same thing when looking at who you were as a high school senior. These transformations are simply amazing. Just like when you are successful one day in your career, when I have my health back, we will never take this "normalcy" for granted. When you actually go through shit to get you to where you are, things aren't just "normal." They are a privilege that is often taken for granted because they are mistaken as normal. I truly believe that these hard times lead you to live a happier life. There are so many situations that can be applied. Maybe you're friends have betrayed you and you are feeling alone. Maybe nothing you do at work is being recognized or appreciated. From any difficult time, you learn something about yourself, you change into a better person, and you will appreciate your life so much better when you get through it. What I can tell you is that even when you are in an ocean of doubt, just breathe. Easier said than done, right? But try. Believe in yourself, and stand by the choices you have made thus far. In what ever career you end up with, you will be so thankful that you put yourself through college. One day those loans will be paid off, and you will look back with pride knowing that you got through it. You got yourself through it. Now that my cancer is gone, unfortunately, the journey for me still isn't over. It won't be over for a long time, but that doesn't mean we cannot celebrate the news!
I was told before my treatment plan started that even if the cancer is gone early, I would have to complete all six total treatments. They do this because they always assume that there is some cancer that they cannot see or that could easily come back. They have also found in studies that only harm can come from stopping treatment early. As of today, I have four down and only two more to go. It is exciting, but it is almost harder being tied up in the hospital for days at a time knowing that there isn't even any cancer left. Either way, I will be done with my treatments by mid-February. After that, I will keep this "remission" status for the next five years. I will not be considered "cured" until five years after my last treatment date. I will be 26 years old. I will continue to fight for a long time, but I have no doubt in my mind that I will eventually be able to say "I am cured." Today, my doctor walked in and gave me the best christmas present. "You're officially in remission." Before scan, taken October 13, 2016 The brain, kidneys, and bladder all normally light up. The huge white christmas tree over my right chest would be the cancer that I started with. Halfway scan, taken December 23, 2016 The only things that lit up were all of the normal organs. The only cancer left is inactive.
Today was a good day. :) This Christmas was wonderful. It was an unforgettable time spent with family. However, there were some tears. When I opened the present from my sister, I immediately broke down crying. This is a quote that I have loved ever since I was diagnosed. She chose to include the twigs because of the strength and perservance of trees. She even saved a few strands of my hair from when I shaved it and wrapped it around one of the twigs. I am so thankful to have a sister so supportive, thoughtful and amazing.
Love you Katie! ~injustice~
Everytime I walk through the doors of the U of M Cancer Center, I have an overwhelming feeling that I don't deserve this. I look around me, everyone is at least 20-30 years older than me. I get stares from them. They look at my bald head. In my mind, I'm thinking, "Yeah, I can't believe it either." I feel like I'm in a dream. I feel like I shouldn't be there. I feel like I should be anywhere but there. Anywhere I want. I feel a sense of belonging but like an outsider at the same time. I know I can relate to the fighters around me, but can I? The receptionists and nurses treat me like a child. I hate it. I feel so aged, mentally. I look at people two or three times my age, and I know that they have never had to go through some of the things that I have. Things that have changed me. Why have I become desensitized to needles? To pain? To extremely invasive procedures? To privacy? Who deserves that? ~sadness~ The other day, after my PICC was placed, I was waiting in the recovery area. My nurse walked in, and he just stared at me for a second. I felt so uncomfortable. He took a deep breath and sighed, still looking at me. He looked extremely sad. I could feel it. I knew what he was thinking. I could almost hear it. I've heard it so many times. "To see someone so young go through this." I don't like it when other people feel sorry for me. It makes me feel like I'm dying. I didn't know what else to do but smile. He replied, "Wow, you have such a beautiful smile." I never know anymore what the "real" compliments are versus pity remarks. Moments later I heard a nurse walk into the closed off curtain room next to me. I heard her say, "From the tears I see, I'm guessing you've heard the news." I heard an old woman crying. She was speechless. She couldn't get any words out. The nurse uttered, "I'm sorry." I hate that. "I'm sorry." Thanks? She has no idea what that woman is feeling right now. If not forgotten by the end of the day, the nurse will go about her life, and sooner than later, forget all about her. She won't think about how devasting this is for her. But I feel it. I remember her. I am thinking about her. "I'll let you make some phone calls." I was speechless. I was on the verge of tears. It brought me back. I wanted to go next door and hug her. I wanted to tell her all of the things I wish I had heard when I found out. I just sat in silence. |