What a whirlwind of emotions that I have felt in the past few days.
Since I was diagnosed, I just kept telling myself, "Just make it through these six treatments. You just have to make it until February. Then you're done." All this time, that last treatment was like a light at the end of the tunnel, or the finish line at the end of a marathon. Well, I've finally crossed it, and I'm far from okay.
I have begun to realize just how hard this is going to be for me to deal with. Cancer isn't something you overcome or beat, it is something you continue to deal with in some way for the rest of your life. I can honestly say right now that I am just scared. I feel restricted, unable to fully live with this constantly hanging over my head.
At this point, not only am I scared, I am angry. I miss the days when I was just healthy. I cannot get over how much I took this for granted. Why do we only realize how amazing we had it until we no longer do? I miss the days where I would go to the doctor and listen to them rave about how healthy I was. I would be in and out within minutes. Now, I have a huge box to check on every patient background form I fill out for the rest of my life.
There is so much bullshit surrounding this situation that fills my thoughts and takes up my energy, and it drains me. So much that I shouldn't have to deal with at this age. For instance, I keep getting calls from an infertility doctor to go over my situation and look at my options. I shouldn't have to think about having a baby right now. It is just one thing after another.
I really miss my hair. I find myself, every day, going through old pictures and just missing my hair. It sounds weird, but this is another thing to me that all of the sudden has turned from a given to a privilege. There are days that I don't want to wear my wig to class, but I don't want people to think differently of me. I don't want to deal with the extra stares, or the feeling of not belonging.
I feel like I envy every person that passes me. Sure, I don't know what problems are going on in their life, but I wish I had them instead of my own. I look at friends laughing, and their carefree expression that I used to have. An expression that showed I looked forward to the future with hope instead of fear.
I can only hope it will get better.