First a little background: My second cycle of chemotherapy is scheduled for this weekend. The plan was to have my doctor appointments, blood draw, and Rituxan infusion as an outpatient on Thursday, come back to East Lansing for my semi formal Thursday night, and go back to Ann Arbor to start the chemotherapy inpatient Friday morning.
My day was fine until I got a phone call during my class at about 2:30. It was a nurse from U of M. She left a message saying that there would be a slight change of plans for my next treatment. I was immediately filled with anger knowing that this probably involved me having to miss my semiformal. I returned her phone call, and she told me that if I weren't admitted until Friday, since it takes 24 hours until someone is available to put the PICC line in from when you're admitted, I wouldn't be able to have the PICC put in until Saturday, and that the people who do that don't work on the weekends. She then told me that we should plan on my admission being postponed until next Tuesday. There is only one problem, my birthday is next Friday and there was no way in hell I was going to be in the hospital on my birthday. I told her I would rather miss my semiformal than be in the hospital on my birthday, so I'm now being admitted tomorrow and missing my semi.
You may be thinking, okay, no big deal. No. Big freaking deal. These are the years that people describe as "The best years of your life." Your twenties are the years that you are the most healthy, the most beautiful, and have the most fun. Well, I guess that's just not the plan for me. I sit back while everyone around me can experience college and all the fun it ensues while every fun plan I've tried to make thus far falls through. Yes, this is only temporary. I will come out of this. But this is happening during a time that I will never get back. Cancer is taking that experience away from me. I hate it. I hate that this is happening to me. I don't understand why this is happening. I would do anything to make this go away.
I struggle to hold on to the positive things. It's hard to stay positive when everything I plan, everything in my life that I look forward to falls through. It looks like there is going to be many dark months ahead of me unless this gets better. The only thing I can plan on any more are doctor appointments and hospital visits.
If I've learned anything so far, I've learned that there's going to be ups and downs. Today is definitely a down, and it's pretty shitty down.