I'm not usually one to brag, but I believe I deserve a minute to express how proud I am of myself this semester.
Despite my family and doctors insisting to temporarily stop school, I deciding I had to keep going in hopes that I could graduate on time this May. I needed a distraction--something to keep me feeling normal and to help keep my mind off of my situation. I had no idea what the outcome would be. I figured my grades wouldn't meet the standard I usually hold myself to. I ended up finishing this semester with a 3.875 GPA (three 4.0s and one 3.5). I also managed to complete 26.5 out of the 40 credit hours I need. I am proud of this because despite having long periods of time that I had to stay away from the school due to a poor immune system or chemotherapy, I still managed to get that many hours in. I would say that I have outdone myself this semester. I completed it with good grades while keeping my stress level low. I hope next semester goes just as well and that I will get to wear that cap and gown in just a few months.
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There's nothing worse than peeling skin, especially on your face. With the dry air of the winter, I thought I would share a skin tip that I have used because my skin has dried out and peeled quite a few times after treatments!
Take a bit of coconut oil* and put it on a paper towel. Rub the paper towel over the peeling areas, then take a dry part of the paper towel and rub over the coconut oil. The rough surface of the paper towel will exfoliate your skin and take off the dry skin! *Any oil will work if you don't have coconut oil, but coconut oil is healthiest for your skin! One thing that my situation has given me is perspective.
We each have perspective. Based on our unique experiences, we all believe different things. Someone's biggest problem might just be miniscule to someone else. For instance, if you ask any college student how they are doing, most of the time they will say they are stressed. They will complain about their exams, an upcoming paper or an idiot professor. But the truth is only 6.7% of the world has a college degree. There are people all over the world that would just kill to have those problems, 93.3% of the world to be exact. There are people out their who wake up every day not knowing how they are going to eat. Instead of wondering when and where they will get their next meal, they would love to be in a warm dorm room with unlimited meal passes and no responsibilities except to learn. I've become so disappointed in humanity at times. I am tired of hearing people complain about things that they should really be thankful for. Or even worse, people who go on and on about problems that aren't real problems. I want to stop them and shake them and wake them up. We all need to wake up. I wish it didn't take cancer to show me that. I challenge you today to wake up. Step back and think about your place in the whole world. Your existence in the grand scheme of time and space. It is so small. The average lifespan of humans is only 71. We have 71 years and our only goal should be to make the most of it. I am not innocent of dwelling on "stupid" problems. I look back on who I used to be and I am disgusted. I was so vein. Losing my hair if anything changed that. I'm thankful that I have gone through this because it has truly made me a better person. It has made me into someone who is thankful. Someone who will not take their health for granted once they have it back. Someone who will never complain about something that I should be grateful for or something that doesn't matter. Someone who realizes what truly matters in life. It's interesting how the physical thing that got me writing on this website hardly comes up. Sure, the word "cancer" is sprinkled here and there, but cancer is mostly a mental journey. Most of these posts are reflections of these physical restrictions that cancer has put on my life. This awful thing really does help you find out so much about yourself and those around you.
I figured I'd give an update about my physical condition. As of tonight, I am exactly halfway through my planned chemotherapy regimen. For those who don't know, I have six, five day in-hospital infusions with sixteen days of recovery between each round. I have just completed my third round and could not be more excited that I am finally halfway. Things have been going well. Most people may think that the side effects come during infusion. Interestingly, that is wrong. It's only after the infusion that you feel physically and mentally drained, along with whatever side effects are being dealt your way. Since my first round, the side effects that come have gotten less and less worse. I don't get awful stomach aches, my overall motivation has improved, and chest pain and discomfort is absolutely unheard of. My doctor told me to take these as signs that my body is responding extremely well to this regimen. In about two weeks, I will get a PET scan which will hopefully reflect how I feel physically. Hopefully, this PET scan will prove what I feel I already know. If all is going well, most of the cancer should be gone, and the scan will reflect that. I'm scared to death for this test. I want this to work. I want to kick this thing and be done with it. This PET scan will hopefully help me fuel that fire inside of me to bust this out for the second half. Picture this.
All eight of your roommates are 21 your whole junior year. You're alone while all of them go out to the bars multiple times a week. You know you aren't going to turn 21 until about halfway until your senior year. You have a birthday countdown on your phone for about 10 months that you check at least weekly. You make plans of what you think the special day will entail. Then, one month before your birthday, you get diagnosed with cancer. You are filled with anger, knowing that you will not be able to celebrate your birthday normally. You can't celebrate it the way you want to. Furthermore, you are told you should have limited amounts of alcohol for the duration of your treatment. Tell any college senior that, let alone someone who just got the right to consume alcohol legally. It's not fair. The doctor said a few drinks here and there will not harm anything. The only concern is its effect on the liver. During chemotherapy, everything gets filtered through the liver. The liver is under extra stress, and regularly consuming alcohol could potentially effect it. I definitely will be taking him up on those "few beers here and there" because damn it this shit makes you want a drink sometimes. One thing that I promised myself is that it will not stop me from having fun. I go out to the bars frequently with my roommates, even if it means I can't be drinking alcohol. I have realized a few things since attending bars sober. 1. Ricks smells really bad. I'd describe it as a mixture of B.O. and urine. This pleasant smell was never noticed by my previously drunken states. 2. I'm a really awkward dancer when I'm sober. Those great dance moves I used to have seem to be impossible to recreate. 3. I forget how to socialize. The drunker people get, the more awkward my efforts at conversation become. 4. I don't know what to do with my hands without a glass in them. It is so much more comfortable when you can hold something. So.. you may be asking, how do you entertain yourself? My new favorite thing to do is order drinks that look alcohol and act extremely intoxicated. I often order a sprite with lime, resemblant of a vodka soda. I've become pretty good, and I often get strange/concerned looks from my friends. Hopefully i'll find some personal games and more ways to entertain myself, because being sober at bars is not an easy feat when tackled alone. This year, I found out a few days before Thanksgiving that I was neutropenic again. I had a plan to go to Detroit and attend the Lion's game on Thanksgiving, which is very dangerous for someone who is neutropenic. I wouldn't know until after Thanksgiving what my counts were at. I finally decided that you can't just put your life on hold, and I went anyway. Thankfully, I didn't get sick and I had so much fun watching a great game!
This year, I have so much to be thankful for. I'm thankful for U of M hospital, doctors, and nurses. I'm thankful for the men and women over seas fighting for our freedom. I'm thankful for my supportive friends and family. I'm thankful for my mother for being my caregiver and never leaving my side when I have to go to the hospital. I'm thankful for my friend Sasha for being supportive and starting the GoFundMe page. I'm thankful for my boyfriend for being a rock through this process and making me feel beautiful even though I don't have any hair. I'm thankful for Michigan State University for being an amazing school and giving me the best education. We should all reflect on what we are thankful for not just this time of year but all the time. Even though 2016 sucked, these kinds of years show you how much you have to be thankful for. : ) This is the first time I've felt like myself in a while.
A lot of times, side effects of chemo can make you feel crappy. You're left to deal with stomach aches, lack of appetite, over all pain and fatigue among many more. Something is different this time, though. I've hardly had any pain or set backs, and I'm finally able to live my life "normally" during my recovery period before my next treatment. I had the best birthday weekend ever. It started off Thursday night with a party put on my roommates. We were able to celebrate at midnight by popping a bottle of champagne and blowing out some birthday candles. We then went to some of the local bars. Even though I couldn't drink much, it was a blast! Friday, my actual birthday, was spent relaxing and then going to the Lansing Brewing Company for dinner. I enjoyed one of their drafts and some yummy pizza. Then, Saturday was spent tailgating for Ohio State and celebrating some more after the game! It feels so great to finally get to experience positive things throughout this. It feels amazing to have moments where you feel completely normal--where you can forget about the cancer inside of you. Thank you to everyone who made this weekend so amazing. mo·not·o·ny
məˈnätnē/ noun
Well, there you have it. That about sums up the 5 days I get to spend per cycle for chemotherapy in the hospital. Stay with me here. I promise it gets positive. People always tell me, "Come on Emily! You got this! 6 rounds is nothing." Okay.. but there's six rounds of five days each, and five days is basically a week, and there isn't much time in between to break up these treatments. But the worst part of it is the ~monotony~ of it all. The whole time, I'm hooked up to a PICC line, which is sort of like an IV, and I have to lug wheely thing with the bag attached around anywhere I go. I have to unplug it from the wall, wrap up the chord, and take it everywhere. I've got to take it to the shower, if I need to pee, if I want to go on a walk. It comes everywhere. It's like a shackle restricting my freedom and I can't stand it. Also, just the freaking routines of everything is exhausting. I often get chuckles from the nurses as they see me walk down the halls as I condescendingly say, "Just the same shit, different day." I think they feel it too. Any way, here's the routine. 1. 2:00 a.m. My mom wakes up and stares at me until I wake up (ugh) 2. 4:00 a.m. Daily Blood Draw and Vitals. Yeah you heard it. A.M.! 3. 8:00 a.m. Vitas. 4. 9:00 a.m. Morning meds. Usually about 10 pills. 5. 11:00 a.m. Chemo bag change. 6. 12:00 p.m. Vitals. 7. 2:00 p.m. Shower. 8. 4:00 p.m. Vitals. 9. ~ 5:00 p.m. Mom forces me to get up and take a walk down the same 400 feet of hallway that I am limited to. 10. 8:00 p.m. Vitals. 11: 8:30 p.m. Mom passes out. 12. 9:00 p.m. Night time meds, again. 13. 12 a.m. Vitals Meanwhile, in between these times of roaring excitement, I keep myself busy with coloring books, crosswords, and the same 40 channels (20 of which are sports or news), and the same 20 some movies they have to offer. If we are feeling really crazy, we'll go down and do a puzzle. So essentially I pass my days with the activities of a 5-year-old. The monotony was really starting to get at my this past time. Maybe it was because the first time was so new. Things didn't seem so bad. But now, I was able to completely wrap my head around what it would be like to do this four more times, and it sounds absolutely torturous. Maybe it would be better if I didn't have to deal with the awful side effects in the 16 day recovery period, or if my recovery was a little bit longer. But this seems like an on going roller coaster that increasingly makes me nauseous, and I can't get off. Luckily, someone came in to give me some tips about how to make these trips more doable. I'm really hoping these work, I'm desperate! First of all, she suggested I take something to look forward to that I save for only when I'm in the hospital. I absolutely love art, so this could mean bringing some canvases and paints, some jewelry stamping or beads. It could be anything! This already started to get me excited. She also suggested that I could have a special thing I do every time I leave. Maybe it's going to my favorite restaurant or getting my nails done. This thing to look forward to really could make a difference. Well, I'm definitely willing to try it out. I'll let you know how it goes next cycle of treatment. If there's something in your life you just can't stand, treat yo' self. Sometimes we can't escape the shit we don't want to do, but we can make it a little less hard. In the meantime, I'M 21 IN TWO DAYS!!! As I've said before, during times of trouble, you realize how amazing people are.
One of my best friends, Sasha Tremblay, decided to create a gofundme page for my medical bills upon hearing the overwhelming costs of my treatment. I am so thankful for all of the people who have donated thus far. Some of them I don't even know or have never met in person. It truly touches my heart to know how amazing and selfless people can be. You guys bring me to tears nearly every day! Yep. It finally happened.
The moment I decided to shave my head was extremely hard. Hair is everything to a woman. It's her identity, her femininity. My father shaved it, and I cried the whole time. After he was done, I didn't want to look at myself. I didn't want to face reality. I finally looked. Although it wasn't as bad as I thought, I long for the time I will get to grow my hair back nearly every day. Although there are options like wigs and hats, it's just not the same. As I walked into the hospital for my second round of chemo, I felt empowered with my bald cap. I wore my illness on my sleeve, and the looks I got weren't of disgust, they were of admiration--an acknowledgement of bravery. A shared, obvious knowledge that I am a fighter. |